It takes stones of granite

The Olympics are the pinnacle of sport, and the men and women who compete in them are practically gods, at least for the 14 days every 4 years that the world comes together to cheer in the name of sportmanship, unity, and national pride. Depending on the country, some sports mean a little bit more than others. To the Norwegians, cross country skiing is everything. The Danish live and die by speed skating. Figure skating is considered a marquee event for many countries. But whatever the country, there is one event that stands above all others in terms of prestige, honor, and athletic ability and whose participants are revered above all even by their fellow Olympians. This sport...is curling.

Having observed this crowning competition of human achievement, I decided that it is my duty as an extraordinary member of the human race to take up the sport for the honor of my country. The first step towards the 2010 Olympic games in Vancouver is going to the local Dallas/Fort Worth Curling Club. And so I did.

I dragged my sister who was visiting from Boston for the weekend to go with me (it does, after all, make perfect sense to travel from Boston to Texas to learn a winter sport). It was actually a lot of fun, and I signed up on the "I want to join the curling club" list. Let's face it, there is not greater glory than being victorious in curling. And as people watching the Olympics or who have seen stuff about the provocative women of curling calendar available (http://www.thecurlingnews.com/calendar.html), curling chicks are hot.

I did pretty well at this open house, although I didn't get as much chance to try it out and practice as I would have hoped. The club expected about 100 people, and over 300 showed up. But I did well. I think my bowling background served me well. I am just very good at throwing a heavy object down a lane with the goal of scoring points.

"A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have." - Gerald Ford

I am not much of a politically minded person, but I am pleased with some recent trends I have noticed over the past few weeks. Way back in the day, I considered myself to be a Republican. This belief was fueled by the fact that I agreed with (and still do) the "Republican" ideals of a small federal government and the protection of individual and state's rights. No really, those are the traditional Republican ideals. I don't care what the current Republican administration is doing, go look it up in a history book. I am telling you that Republicans are not supposed to be the spawn of Satan. Or just read the Republican creed off the GOP website, which I guess Bush has forgotten to update ( http://www.gop.com/News/Read.aspx?ID=4324 ). Here are some selections from it:

I BELIEVE the strength of our nation lies with the individual and that each person's dignity, freedom, ability and responsibility must be honored.

I BELIEVE in equal rights, equal justice and equal opportunity for all, regardless of race, creed, sex, age or disability.

I BELIEVE the proper role of government is to provide for the people only those critical functions that cannot be performed by individuals or private organizations and that the best government is that which governs least.

Those selections are one third of the "I believe" statements, and I assure you the remaining ones are equally non-demonic. I am not sure where the Patriot Act and NSA wiretappings fall into that credo (must be somewhere between "each person's dignity, freedom" and "the best government is that which governs least"). And I am sure that founders weren't considering Muslims in Guantanamo when they were speaking of equal rights regardless of race or creed.

So with the administration doing everything it can to make poor Scott McClelland's job of putting a positive spin on things harder every day (he's trying people. he's really trying), what possible trend is there to see that pleases me? Republicans, real Republicans, are beginning to fight back. More and more Republicans are beginning to question, criticize, and condemn the policies of the Bush administration. They are beginning to not just follow along blindly like lost little puppies. The House committee that wrote the report ripping into all levels of government about the failures of Katrina calling the fiasco a "Failure of Initiative" was a Republican one. Republican John McCain has been one of the loudest voices condemning the NSA wiretappings. He is also the loudest proponent of actually giving trials to the people held in Guantanamo. (How is it, by the way, that we can at the same time condemn Iran for flouting the international community with their nuclear program while at the same time ignoring repeated UN calls to shut that place down? I know that Iran having nukes is muy muy bad, but how can we expect other countries to pay heed to the UN when we ourselves do not?) Republican's were at the head of the pack yelling at Cheney for not announcing his hunting accident earlier, and most recently Republicans are tearing Bush a new one about the sale of control of US ports to an Arab business. Of course, what did Bush think the party's response would be? That was just stupid.

I am not so niave that I do not realize that this trend is most likely a ploy to distance themselves from Bush to put themselves in a better position for the next election, but at least they realize the need to distance themselves and they are doing it early. That's something.

Ok, that was my political thought for the decade. I can go back to not caring until sometime in my thirties

License to be a pussy

In my last post I mentioned some changes that are taking place in the world of James Bond. The reigns of portraying Bond have been passed to British Actor Daniel Craig for the next film Casino Royal. Putting Craig's blonde hair color aside, there will of course be the question of whether or not this Limey is man enough to portray the manliest Limey of them all. Craig faces the insurmountable challenge of the automatic comparison to the first actor to take on the role, Sean Connery himself (who makes Chuck Norris look like girly-girl). Criag will hope to repeat the success of the most recent Bond, Pierce Brosnan, in not being a pathetic comparison to Connery, a feat that past Bond's like George Lazenby failed at miserably (don't laugh too hard Timothy Dalton, you weren't much better).

So how will Craig fair? Unfortunately there will be no way to tell for sure until the movie is released (November 2006). But while I was browsing Google News today, I found this alarming article:

http://www.star-ecentral.com/movies/buzz/buzz.asp?file=archives/buzz/2006/2/20Fightscene&date=2/20/2006

Apparently Craig was attempting to do some of his own stunts, a noble pursuit in being man enough. But unfortunately Craig got dropped like a Freshman English class when filming a fight scene. Two of his teeth were knocked out of his bloody mouth (and I mean 'bloody' in both the literal and British curse-word sense) and he had to be rushed to a Dentist. This does not bode well for the wanna-be 007. Bond's drinks are supposed to be shaken, not Bond himself. If Connery were still portraying the super-spy, the other actor would have broken his fist upon Bond's teeth. Connery would then have gazed upon the other actor's brutally mangled hand, flashed his (still) perfect teeth in a smile, and said something on the order of "tough break" or "do you need a hand?"

Craig choose the slightly less manly response of reeling backward and bleeding profusely.

The Man with the Golden News Story

You know, with today's media deciding which stories to focus on, the truly important ones are often hidden behind loads of crap. I mean, who cares if the Vice President of the United States became the first VP to shoot a man since Aaron Burr capped Alexander Hamilton in 1804. Is that groundbreaking? There is clearly precedent for it. And it not like the 78 year old man, who Cheney shot in the face, died or anything when one of the pellets traveled to his heart and caused a heart attack, so Cheney's got nothing on Burr. And when was the last time you heard anyone bitching about Burr. Could it be because Burr was a Democrat? And the reasoning that everyone got so upset only because Cheney didn't tell anyone is also crap. When was the last time the Whitehouse told us anything about anything (lies don't count)? This clearly isn't anything new, and thus not newsworthy. The mere fact that we did find out about it means that the terrorists are laughing at us. Now maybe if the 78 year old shot-in-the-face man had died it might have been something. Then Cheney might have to be impeached for involuntary manslaughter. And even then, THAT would be a way to go out. None of this perjury crap. Manslaughter is the manly way to get impeached.

So it is my duty to wade through the unimportant and sift out what matters for the sake of my readership (both of you). Forsaking the US media and their "Cheney shot a 78 year old man in the face" obsession, I turn to the BBC to get this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/4722848.stm


In case the article goes away (unlikely for the reasonable future) or that you are too lazy to go read it (extremely likely), I will let you know that what it says is that the new James Bond girl has been announced. It is French Actress Eva Green. Now THIS is something that matters. Because Bond girls, much unlike Cheney, are hot and thus people care about them. This announcement comes not far off the heels of the announcement of the next James Bond, British actor Daniel Craig. Even this story has much more controversy than Vice-Presidential "I shot a man in the face" coverup or secret NSA wiretappings. Did you know that this Daniel Craig guy is a blonde?!? James Bond most definitely has dark hair. I for one have mixed feelings about this. Bond has always been dark haired meaning that by casting this Craig guy they are messing with a cultural icon. But on the other hand, by casting a blonde they are setting a precedent that could eventually lead to my portraying of the super spy in subsequent films. This is somewhat important to me since Lucas failed to offer me the position of Anakin Skywalker in Episode II (however upon reading the horrible writing in the script I most like would have refused the part. I have my dignity). In the very least a blonde James Bond would make dressing as him at Halloween parties a much more viable option.

When the moon hits your eye

Sometime back in the third century in Rome some poor schmuck name St. Valentine got himself good and martyed. He never married and thus got no lovin' himself (he was, after all, a Saint), so on this holy day people everywhere commemorate him by dedicating some good ole lovin' to him.

I too am partaking in this special day's celebration by spending this evening with my love. Bowling and beer. I felt it was my Christian duty to do so in honor of a much revered Saint. Also, Tuesday just happens to be my bowling night and its not like I got any other plans.

This will actually be good, because its very likely my team will clean up today since most everyone else will be too busy...doing other things...to come bowl. But my team consists of David (whose girlfriend is inconveniently located in Louisiana), 2 recent divorcees, a 28 year old single girl, and me. That means no one on my team has anywhere else to be. Score.

This is not your parent's curling team

No real post. There was just an Olympic teaser where they said this and I couldn't stop laughing for like 5 minutes.

If I have seen farther than others it is because I myself am a giant

Since the dawn of our existence, human beings have always sought to improve ourselves. It is an intrinsic aspiration inherent in our being and those who take the struggle upon themselves are revered for their pursuit in history, literature, poetry, and those feel good pieces that NBC runs during the Olympics about that third world guy who swims the 100m freestyle despite never seeing water before and his mother dying a month ago only after revealing that he was adopted and that the man who he thought was his real father had actually brutally murdered his biological parents. But while we hold those who try in esteem, the true praise is reserved for those who actually succeed. Do you really think people would care about the US Hockey team if they lost the miracle on ice? No, we would have patted them on their backs for trying and gone back to caring about good sports.

Today, I have joined the ranks of those successful few through my own hard work and accomplishment. I bowled a 200 game. This tops my previous high score of 197, giving me a new leading digit. And while my hard work and preparation consisted mostly of consuming the two beers I had leading up to the game (and the one afterward), my story is no less inspiring. And now all I have to do is sit back and reap the forthcoming rewards and wait for the women to throw themselves at me. So if there are any sexy ladies out there reading this and the knowledge that I have bowled a 200 game makes you feel all tingly inside, I'll be here holding my breath.

"Sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.” - Mae West

I realize that you all must have had a hard time sleeping last night due to the overwhelming anticapation about hearing how my date went. I am not so cruel as to subject you to another sleepless night. It went ok. I showed up about 5 mins early and checked inside the Starbuck's to see if she was already inside waiting for me. She was not. I must admit, I had a slight clue what she looked like due to some "research" I did the night before ("research" sounds so much better than "Google stalking," doesn't it?). I actually didnt find much about her. She shares her name with a NCAA All-American softball player who is apparently very good. Pitched a couple no-hitters. I eventually did find a picture of her on a "these are our new students" page of the school where she is pursuing her master's degree. It wasn't a very high-res photo, but it gave me a good idea. There was no one who fit the picture, except maybe one woman who perhaps could have if she had dyed her hair and you kind of squinted, but she didnt so much as glance at me (a common reaction). I sat outside to wait.

At 10 mins after we were supposed to meet, I checked back inside to make sure I just didn't miss her. There was a young blonde woman who was sitting at a table who wasn't there last time I checked. She looked up at me and said hello as I walked in. Great. Maybe she was in the bathroom or something when I checked last time and I just blew the last 15 mins. She didnt particularly look like the picture, but like I said it wasnt a great photo. I am preparing myself to feel stupid as I go up to ask her if she was Leigh Ann. She looked confused and then said no. This is when I notice the green apron sitting next to her on the table and I realize she is an employee taking a break. After explaining my situation and apologize for bothering her, I head back outiside to wait again and begin wondering how long I wait before I go home.

I only have to wait a minute before she arrives. We introduce ourselves and she apologizes for being late. As we enter the smiling employee behind the counter greets us saying "so you must be Leigh Ann."

The rest of the date, as I said, went ok. She was pretty easy to talk to, even if we only ever entered into superficial topics (So how long have you lived in Texas? Wow, it must have been tough moving out here not really knowing anyone. etc.). She was certainly pretty. I can't really say there was a click though. I liked her well enough and there were no negatives. My assesment was that it would be worth going out again to see if anything could come of it. My sense of her opinion of me was that, again, she liked me well enough and had a good time but I didn't think she was overly excited about me.

Well I sent her an email this morning at work (email is the way we have been comunicating all along) telling her that it had been a pleasure meeting her and would be up for doing something similar again sometime if she were interested. The response (and translation) she sent me was thus:

"Yes, it is always fun meeting new people (thus this was nothing special). I will be sure to invite you if there is ever anything going on where you can meet some more people (and go be with them instead of me). "

I wasn't really all that surprised. Like I said, while she seemed to have a decent time she didnt appear especially excited. I am a couple years younger than her and girls always want older men. And while I would have given it another go, I can't really say (in keeping with my last post) that she was really an 'a' or an 'A'. Probably some where in between. Like an ä or something. But I am not really sure if Dr. Punnett considered the umlaut when making his squares.

On the plus side that Starbucks employee now knows me. She recognized me and asked me how it went when I stopped in today to get a cup of coffee and read a book for a bit after work. Maybe I can work that.

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Believe it or not, but I have never been on a blind date. The closest I have ever had was with Pilot Girl (I did go on an actual date with her after the party. Stop laughing) and that didn't go very well (I said stop laughing). But yet I somehow allowed myself to get roped into one by a lady in my bowling league. She has wanted me to meet a friend of hers and I finally emailed her today and agreed to meet her for coffee tomorrow after work.

I have learned from my quest to get a girlfriend (in which this blind date is a part) that I am really not very good at this. This date for instance has me really nervous. Its not that I really care what she (or anyone else) thinks about me. I really don't give a damn. I have noticed that when I am out with the guys and someone sees and points out an attractive woman, most people try to be very secretive about looking at her and do the best to hide their stares. I just look (Now I don't leer or anything that would cause her to reach for her mace, just look). I am sometimes scolded by my fellows who are trying to be subtle, but I don't really care. The way I see it, since my chances of "picking her up" or something are zero anyway I don't lose anything nor care if I get caught looking. And its not exactly a fear of rejection per se either. By not trying I am accepting the worst case result of a pickup attempt, walking away alone.

I have pondered this subject, and I think the analysis I came up with uses the same analogy that I am sure most people use...a Punnet Square. A pickup attempt, or a blind date, or any similar encounter has a few possible results. Either I like the girl (let's call this 'a') or I do not (lets call this 'A') and either she likes me ('b') or she does not ('B'). This results in for possible combinations: ab, Ab, aB, and AB. Now only case 'ab' (we both like each other) is pleasant. AB is clearly bad since neither one of us like the other and no one wants to be there. The only redeeming quality of this result is that if identified early enough it can be aborted before things get drawn out. Case 'aB' is the classic you get dumped scenario which depending on the extent of the lowercaseness of your 'a' can be quite painful. Some people may not have a problem with case 'Ab' since you don't like her anyway so the failed encounter is no skin off your back. But this is where my being too damn nice comes in and bites me in the ass. I hate hurting people. It makes me feel terrible. And what if the reason you don't like her isn't very good? What if you find her to be a wonderful person but just aren't attracted to her? This danger is reduced in the pick-up attempt over the blind date since you know what your target looks like before making the approach, but even then the danger is not negated. She could have a voice that grates you like nails on a chalkboard. Do you want to tell a girl that she is nearly perfect except that she sounds like the chick from The Nanny? Great, now you are shallow too. Asshole.

So 3 of the 4 results yield unpleasantness. Great, it will only not suck 25% of the time. And that is assuming that there is any equal probability of 'a' and 'A' and of 'b' and 'B.' If you took a random sampling of girls, I don't think that I would find 50% of them to be date-able. Not sure what the number would be, but its below that. And given that I don't find the majority of girls date-able, it would make sense that a majority of girls, who presumably have equally discriminating standards, would not find me date-able either. This assumption is reinforced by the fact that, expecting Pilot Girl (what did I say about the laughing?) women haven't exactly thrown themselves at me. This means that the actual success rate would be far below the rather optimistic 25%.

Even if you manage to find yourself in a 'ab' situation, you still have to fight through the awkwardness. That's probably the main reason I don't try to pick up random women. Its so freaking awkward. I mean, how do you approach some girl you don't know. What do you say? But wait, that's where the blind date comes in! The girl is already meeting you for coffee, so you don't have to approach her. Hazah! All is solved, right? Except for the fact that the reason approaching a girl was awkward, the fact that you have absolutely no clue what to say, is still there. Only now she has expectations. Great.

You know, if being considered socially handicap could get you those good parking spaces I'd be tempted to give up on the whole process and apply for a sticker. At least then I wouldn't have to walk as far. That's something.